“What’s with the facepaint?” (as of July 2026)

As you might have imagined, I get asked this question a fair amount.  

Like many things, there are a number of different reasons I use facepaint.  Some reasons are surface-level and very simple, and some are a bit heavier and more complex.  

In the name of transparency, and Disability Pride Month, I figured I’d elaborate.  

Before getting into it all, I think it’s important to note that some things take time to work their way out and, as I write this, I’m not totally sure I have a full grasp of my drive to use the paint.  Some of the reasons I’ll list below overlap, or may seem contradictory, but they are parts of me that just “know” it’s what I’m supposed to be doing, and I want to allow those parts space to create without having to justify it.

With that being said, I’ll start with what I think is an obvious influence…

1. Heavy Metal, Art Rock, Comic Books, & Professional Wrestling.  

Since I can remember, I’ve enjoyed comic books, fantasy stories, and theatrics.  Whether is was reading the newest and weirdest comic book I could find as a pre-teen, getting sucked into the story and aesthetics of fantasy or horror film, watching Finn Balor crawl to the ring in his demon paint, or watching David Bowie perform in any of his characters, I have always loved an enigmatic character.  Half the fun for me was in trying to figure out what they were doing, and what they were about to do.

I do not claim to be on the same level as my influences, but rather, I hope my approach is a humble compliment to them.  If at any point, I leave someone asking, “what the hell  is going on?”, then it’s a success for me.  

Without going into detail, here are few of the major influences I pulled from in some form or another.  If you aren’t familiar with them, you should check them out:

• Finn Balor (WWE wrestling name), aka Prince Devitt (Independent wrestling name)
• David Bowie
• Comic books from the late 80s to the early 90s
• Horror movies in general
• Tool

With this in mind, let’s dive a bit deeper….Let’s talk about, Attention…

2. Attention

Having a physical disability can be a very isolated and distanced experience, despite efforts to connect and fit in.  It certainly brings its own truckload of baggage to daily living.

A bit of that baggage is, one living with a physical disability is never at a loss for attention (both passive and active) when in public.  For me, oftentimes it’s not the kind of attention I want.  It can feel full of pity, or sympathy.  It can feel harsh, and distant.  It can feel well-intended, but mis-guided.  It can be an invasion of personal space, or a quiet void in the crowd.

There are times it feels like paranoia. A feeling of being watched with no real evidence to show it, and yet other times, it’s painfully clear there is an audience.

Then, there are times that I actually do need help, times that I need to ask for assistance, times that I despise.  

Where I’m going with this is, I am not always able to control the attention I draw, but the facepaint gives me some control over it.  In a sense…dawning the facepaint is something that I “Do” to direct attention, a physical disability is something I “Have” that pulls attention.  

3. When is the mask on, and when is it off?

When I think about the facepaint and what it represents to me, I see the paint as a more true representation of myself.  For another way of looking at it, the paint is an un-masked version of me, as opposed to the version I am most days.  

I have always had a feeling of needing to fit in to the best of my ability.  This requires no small amount of self-awareness and focus on the environment around me.  In that way, I’m always wearing a mask of some sort in public.  My version of this is unique to me, but that does not mean my struggle is.  

My mask is one of normalcy, and equality, and the feeling that I’m lucky to be involved with the world around me at all.  Underneath that can be a feeling that I should be happy just to be allowed to be in the room with “the table”, much less have a seat at it.  This is a sentiment anyone in a disenfranchised community or group can likely relate to. 

By actively presenting in a way that causes me to “stick out” more, it helps me use that focus and energy in a different way, a way that feels more comforting and soothing than I can describe. 

4. It’s Fun

It really is fun to put on the facepaint.  It’s fun to look at a blank canvas before each show, and let it come together however it will.  Certainly, I’ve developed a bit of a guideline for the design, but each time is its own, and it will not be reproduced again once I take it off.  

Seeing blank stares turn into smiles from the beginning of the set to the end is a magical thing.  It really helps in supporting my belief that we are all just creatures of community and we are just trying to find ways to connect with something.  We may have glaring differences, but there are always going to be more commonalities.

And, that’s it in a nutshell.  Does any of this resonate with you?  Do you have a unique mask you put on to get through the days?

ALL OPINIONS ARE MY OWN, AND DO NOT REPRESENT ANY ORGANIZATION.  I SPEAK FOR MYSELF AND NO ONE ELSE.

Purchase song - www.garrettdevaughnmusic.com/#music

Merchandise - https://www.redbubble.com/shop/ap/180677037?asc=u 

Youtube - 

Sleep Now In the Fire - A humble cover
“Sleep Now in the Fire” - Written and recorded by Rage Against the Machine 
From the 1999 album “The Battle of Los Angeles”

If you are familiar with Rage Against the Machine, you know they were a very politically outspoken band.  It is this defiant energy that I hoped to tap into when I started working on the “FUmaga” EP.  While replicating the raw energy of Rage feels virtually impossible, their drive and their intentions are things that I felt were accessible.  

Part of why I chose this song, specifically, was to set the tone from the beginning of the album.  I feel like I’ve been fairly transparent and outspoken against trump, maga, and the social inequalities happening around us, but I want there to be no question moving forward.  Just like I wanted there to be no question about exactly what the album represents. “Sleep Now in the Fire” sets a sarcastic, angry, and satirical tone that I try to maintain throughout.

Lyrically, the song is as prophetic as it is satirical.  It paints the picture of a person in pursuit of only power and with no regard or consideration for those they are meant to be serving; or those that fervently support them, for that matter.  This also appears to be THE definition of donald trump, based on his behavior.  

As in my last blog, I’m not going to go into all the facts of why I feel the way I feel.  It’s easy to find information supporting my stance, if you care to do your own looking.  My only request, think about the source of your information.  Is it credible?  Does it placate to maga with no real data?  

I repeat, don’t take my word for it, I’d urge everyone to do their own research and use their own discernment.  

In the meantime, he burns everything to sit by his own warm fire, and we sleep, restlessly.

A portion of the proceeds made from purchasing this song will go to the Nashville International Center for Empowerment, or NICE (https://www.empowernashville.org/).  I chose to donate to this organization as a direct response to donald trump and maga’s actions against the immigrant and refugee community in our country.  These are people just trying to make it.  If we (the United States) are as pious and righteous as we want the world to believe we are, shouldn’t we want to bring up others around us instead of posturing as some dominant force meant to be feared?

Read below to learn more about NICE and what they do for the community. 

Nashville International Center for Empowerment (NICE)
MISSION - Nashville International Center for Empowerment’s mission is to ensure refugees and immigrants achieve their full potential now and for generations to come. Our goal is to empower refugees and immigrants with resources and opportunities that will aid them in their resettlement and equip them to be successful in the future.
 

We do this by:

• Advocating for refugees and immigrants
• Building strong community of relationships
• Creating sustainable service programs
• Developing partnerships in Middle Tennessee

Tis the time of year when we come together to break bread and give thanks to our founds for the resplendent over-abundance of lands and food and freedom (just as long as you're white/christian/straight, and preferably, male).  

Oh what a joyous time it is indeed.  We are taught to celebrate the coming together of European refugees and the Indigenous People that were here long before.  If we are being generous, perhaps when those 1st ships landed, there was some civility and kindness amongst all.  But, as history unfolded, whatever civility there was, was replaced by dominance and an invasive nature.  I am no historian, so I can't preach on the details, but so much is common knowledge, that I don't think it's necessary to be a historian to understand the wrongs that have been done in the time between Plymouth Rock, and today.  For this, I do not recognize the thanksgiving holiday.

So, where did John Wick Day come from???  A fair question.  It started last year.  I woke up on thanksgiving day, excited to watch the Macy's Parade…I made it about 10 minutes into the parade, before a feeling of disgust and anger over took me.  I was not prepared for that shift, and my reaction at 8am in the morning was to turn on “John Wick”.  I wanted to see some form of justice.  I wanted to see some form of retribution.  Thus began “John Wick Day” and “John Wick Week” for me, my wife, and our cat.

For many years, I had enjoyed the Macy's Parade, the performances, the pageantry; it always felt old and warm.  Thankfully, I no longer feel tethered to those feelings, and I believe I see the world just a bit more clearly.  Thanksgiving is a celebration written by the victors, like so many other things.  It is not special, it is not an “honor”, it is the result of a narcistic trait that flows through our society.  A need to be important and special, and to be seen as heroes.  

We are not heroes any more than anyone else.  We are as genocidal and violent as any other.  I know this sounds harsh, and I'm sure some may take the stance of “if you hate it so much, why don't you leave it?”.  To that, I would respond with this...  

Humans are flawed, all humans, from the individual to the community…every last one of us has the ability to be as altruistic and as sadistic as the next person.  I accept our history, and what our ancestors did (and what we continue to do).  I accept it, and I am determined to take a different path, and not repeat the brutal cycles we see around us to the best of my ability.  I may fall flat on my face more times than not, but I intend to try all the same.  

It may look like volunteering to work the holiday for my colleagues, volunteering for the community, or just trying to help a neighbor or stranger in a small way.  I suppose, the actions sound an awful lot like what many people do for thanksgiving day, it's the motivation and the intent that is different.  

My regret and shame is that it took me 45 years to get here.  

And so I say, “Happy John Wick Week” everyone!  Go do some good out there.

Spotify Playlist - Enter Pinhead Playlist

Inception:

The final chapter to “Adam the Astronaut”...”Enter Pinhead”.  Grab a drink, fire up the Spotify playlist, and brace yourselves, for I have such sights to show you…

Fair warning, if you do not believe in the supernatural, past lives, mediums, ghosts, or any of the “woo-woo” stuff, this blog may have you rolling your eyes a bit.  If so, I get it…I would only ask that you read with an open-mind, and trust that I’ll bring us around to the point and, hopefully, a fun little read. So, here we go … 

From the jump, I wanted this to be a fun song, but also a song with real depth.  It was a practice in working on the story and message, while being a bit overtly playful.  It was finding little ways to throw some levity to the content in the form of the “Hellraiser” storyline, and leaning into the truly terrifying elements. Whether it was creating a narrative with elements from the plot of the film, or throwing in a couple of direct Pinhead quotes, I wanted this to be a layered experience from start to finish.

Let’s start with the obvious, “Hellraiser”.  The film was released in 1987.  As usual, I was late to the party with this classic body-horror, and I didn’t actually sit to watch it until 2005-ish.  It was one of those movies which was very unsettling to watch, but I also knew I really liked it.  Something about the story, the score, and the visuals, just really resonated with me.  

Since watching it, Pinhead has been one of my favorite “antagonists”. The mythos built around Pinhead and the cenobites, creates an aura that allows him to be terrifying while doing very little.  It’s a bit of a master class in psychological terror…your mind fills the gap left by the narrative.  And, in the end, the visuals may still exceed what your mind created.

Next up, Rachel Stavis (or R.H. Stavis). A truly fascinating individual.  I won’t try to explain her life story and the details of everything she does, as it would take quite a bit, and I’m not totally confident in my own understanding of it all.  To avoid mis-representing her, and if you are interested, I highly recommend her book “Sister of Darkness”; it is sort of an autobiography and gives a good run-down of her work. 

In very short, she’s an exorcist of entities.  She sees things in the world that others do not perceive, and she knows how to help people sever ties from these entities.  I know this probably sounds really far out there for some people, and it did for me as well, in the beginning.  However, my years and experiences have taught me that I perceive just a fraction of the world around me, and to assume I know any significant amount based on my perception is wildly ignorant.  So, when someone tells me they see things that I do not, I am the last in line to argue against them.  

I was actually able to meet Ms Stavis (via zoom) once.  Though I’m keeping the details of our conversation to myself.  I will say, she had more insight and understanding about me and my life than many people I’ve known for years, and I do not think that is a coincidence.  After our meeting, I was a believer in her work, despite not fully understanding it.  Such is faith, I suppose, we choose to believe things we cannot fully grasp.

The last piece of this little puzzle is Unhealthy Attachments.  When I talk about attachments, I’m not talking about human to human attachment exclusively.  Of course, that’s part of it, but I’m also talking about attachment in terms of addiction, and behaviors, and objects we obsess over.  I’m talking about the things that keep us from being the person we truly want to be.  We do our best to move through life happily, but we are imperfect and we stumble. 

Composition:

So, how did reading “Sister of Darkness” lead to the unhealthy attachments, and “Hellraiser”?  Well … In her book, Stavis describes the things she sees, these entities.  One of the forms she often sees, she affectionately named a “Clive”, as in Clive Barker, the director/creator of “Hellraiser”.  She gives it this name because it reminds her of some creature Clive would create.  The entities are attached to people and places, in a very one-sided and unhealthy way.

Lyrically, I wanted to capture the “feel” of struggling to scrape off this foreign thing that digs so deeply into our tender places.  And, even when it’s separated from us, it’s still waiting and looking for its opportunity to re-attach.  As much as we want to believe that we are free forever from some things, the reality is that keeping space from them is the long game work.

Another part of the message was the accountability we have for our actions.  While entities, and addictions and what-not, can have an exceptionally large pull on our inhibitions and ability to make the best decisions … We are still the ones that make the decisions and take the action, and there are consequences to them.  

To be VERY clear…I DO NOT mean to victim-shame, but rather to acknowledge that we are all just doing our best and sometimes it is harder than others; and that none of us are immune to this. No one, not even those people we put oh so very high up on pedestals.  My work within the mental health field, and the homeless community, taught me that none of us are as far away from personal catastrophe as we think.  The courage and strength it takes to stay the course toward who we want to be cannot be overstated, and I am very wary of one that might suggest otherwise.

In regards to the music and song structure for “Enter Pinhead”, I wanted some complexity, but nothing too wild.  So the song structure, as a whole, is fairly basic…

• Intro
• Verse 1
• Chorus
• Verse 2
• Chorus
• Bridge
• Verse 3
• Chorus 
• Bridge
• Outro

I used the same root piece of music for the Intro and Outro, with the outro being an altered version. I wanted to establish a different vibe for this song, while keeping the feel of the rest of the album.  Setting up an atmospheric intro and outro allowed me to really tell a different story in between.    

Most of the riffs came before writing the lyrics, which is common for me.  If memory serves, the intro was written first, which birthed the verse riff.  But, in a unique turn, the melody for the chorus came to me before writing the music for the chorus.  It just kinda flowed from the verse melody, and I figured out the music behind it afterward.  While constructing the chorus music, the bridge flowed from it naturally.  After that, it was about putting the bits together in the optimal configuration…you know, as if it was a mystical puzzle box that when solved correctly, takes you to a realm where the ends of extreme pleasure and extreme pain meet.

One of the more challenging parts of this song was singing it.  Initially, the melody and key was quite uncomfortable for me to sing.  I tried a handful of different approaches to singing it, but eventually just had to trust that through practice, I could get the vocals the way I heard them in my head.  Thankfully, that’s what happened.

In the end, “Enter Pinhead” became a true metal song on ukulele, and it provided a perfect “closer” for “Adam the Astronaut”.  

Lyrics:

I fell into the fray, maybe I jumped in,

You step back, or maybe I pushed you,

Something between us, keeping me distant,

And now you wait, and now you wait for me...

Start shaking, trembling,

Vibrations...you wait for me,

To shake off my passenger

Fear...the great oblivion...

Deconstructing useless defenses,

Weigh me down, keeping me anchored

To this Pinhead, looking to break me,

And now you wait...but, he won't wait for me...

To Start shaking, trembling,

Vibration, you wait for me,

To shake off my passenger,

Fear...the great oblivion...Wait for me, through oblivion

I gotta get out, escape of the ether,

Puzzle box, solved in a panic,

I figured it out, or maybe I fucked up,

A whispering, "we'll tear your soul apart"...

Start shaking, trembling,

Vibration, you wait for me,

To shake off my passenger,

Fear...the great oblivion...Wait for me, through oblivion.

Inspiration:

Hellraiser

Clive Barker 

R.H. Stavis - “Sister of Darkness”

Black Sabbath

Nine Inch Nails

Alice in Chains

Metallica

Queens of the Stone Age

Beastie Boys

Outkast

Rush

Primus

Playlist: Enter Pinhead Playlist

Spotify Playlist - The Climb

Inception: 

The main themes for “The Climb” are simple…resilience, perseverance, and empathy.  This song isn’t as much a story, lyrically, as it is the expression of the themes.  The themes and ideas are simple, and I wanted to keep the song that way.  

“The Climb” came to me in a flurry.  It served as an internal “pep talk”.  Something inside saying “Just keep moving …things are difficult … they may get worse … they may not … either way … do not stop”.  Over the years, I have found myself repeating this on a regular basis.  

At the time of it’s writing, I was burning out at my job (again) and beginning to create art a legitimate endeavor, I was working through my own internal struggles and anxieties (a work that is never ending), the country was neck deep into maga/trump 1.0, and the pandemic was just around the corner.  I was in desperate need of motivation and drive for the world that was directly in front of me and, unknowingly, for what was lying ahead.  

I feel that perseverance and resilience have a lot of connection to faith and hope.  I’m not talking about faith in a glorious white jesus to save us all, and hope that he comes to rescue us in time for the rapture.  I’m talking about faith that the world will always be moving and changing, and while times can be very challenging, there is always a chance (and hope) that easier times are closer than they appear.  

I’m aware this is nothing novel or profound.  It’s common knowledge that life has a way of continuing to challenge us on all fronts, at all levels, and at any time.  While it may be common knowledge, somehow, it’s still easy to forget.  You think you’ve got things reeled in and under control, then the wind changes in an area of the world and shifts the balance in a totally different space; the next thing you know, you’re flailing around trying to figure out where the ground went.  

We can’t control things happening outside of our sphere.  We can’t control the actions others take and what effect they will have on us.  We can’t predict the future.  So, spending a great amount of time on any of these feels a bit pointless.  We make decisions based on the information we have available, and we do the best that we can.  Sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn’t, but we continue on all the same. 

“Trust your gut, don't think too much, 

The good days pass, the bad the same, 

Eyes looking up, keep climbing, 

Or you'll get caught up in all of the nothing...“

Music:

I wrote the music, lyrics, melodies, and composition, in about 3 hours.  It was amazing.  I usually take a lot of time to finish a song.  Usually, the ideas or themes will come to me and spark my interest, then it’s a process of looking at different options and trying different approaches.  It often includes getting REALLY weird and REALLY confused, just to circle back to the original idea. However, this time through, it’s like the song was already fully written in the back of my mind, I just had to focus on it and let it move my pen.  Case in point, I’ve been working on this blog post for a few weeks, and many hours, just to end up trimming off most of what I wrote.

On a more conscious level, my reference points in putting together the music, lyrics, and melodies were songs I would play from my favorite albums that were calm and soothing.  Songs like “Oceans” by Pearl Jam, “Nutshell” by Alice In Chains, “Good Times” by Willie Nelson, and several others you’ll find in the playlist I put together.  While, lyrically, they don’t all scream “Resilience, Perseverance, and Empathy”, they do all have a calming effect on me and I can recall days of driving around and listening to them on repeat and getting lost in them.  

The music is quite simple…it’s easily the most simple composition on the EP.  Oddly, that was still a challenge.  With my proclivity to over-think/analyze/complicate things, this song was an effort in really letting the song come to me and not allow myself to “chase it”.

One last note, this is the only song from the EP with an official music video.  My inspiration for the video was the “Pied Piper” fairy tale, with a twist.  Instead of luring children to their death, the “piper” or “uker” was luring people to be the person they always were meant to be. Click here to check it out - Music Video: The Climb (music video) 

Lyrics

Hold on, don't let go 

Of the rope swinging so, 

Violently in the wind, 

You didn't care back then, you don't again... 

Do believe in your dreams, 

Or what's the point? 

Show us your grit, we can wait, 

For the fight, resilient you... 

Trust your gut, don't think too much, 

The good days pass, the bad the same, 

Eyes looking up, keep climbing, 

Or you'll get caught up in all of the nothing... 

It's a natural, a supernatural thing that keeps us moving on It's a natural, a supernatural thing that keeps us moving on…

Inspiration:

“The Boy Raised by Wolves” by Bruce D Perry and Maia Szalavitz

Brene Brown (Author/Scientist)

Pearl Jam (Band/Musicians)

Willie Nelson (Musician)

Sturgill Simpson (Musician)

Otis Redding (Musician)

Playlist: The Climb

Music Video: The Climb (music video) 

Spotify Playlist - Riding Shotgun without a Driver 

TRIGGER WARNING:

Trigger warning:  The following talks about suicide and mental health crises.  Please use discernment as you read, and take care of yourself.

If you, or someone you know, are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please reach out to someone you trust and feel safe with.  If you do not have that option, you can call the 24/7 National Suicide Hotline (988) for help.  You are not as alone as it feels.

https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox 

------------------------

UPDATE 6/18/25: 

On 6/18/25, the trump administration announced an end to the 988 LGBTQIA+ hotline.  The 988 main line will still be available for all that are in need, but the specific LGBTQIA+ line will no longer be available.  This was announced on the same day the the SCOTUS ruled in favor of a TN State law banning Trans Kids from treatment.  

This is a hard blow for a community already reeling from an number of setbacks since the trump administration took over.  

Please reach out if you are having a hard time.  I know it's easy to say on my end, but you are not alone.  The National Suicide Hotline (988) can still be a resource for support.  

A QUICK NOTE about a related and active issue in the U.S.:  Per a leaked budget plan, the Trump administration wants to shut down funding for the specialized service of the national suicide prevention hotline for LGBTQ+ teens.  In the “skinny budget” released by the administration leaves the issues unclear and does not clarify intentions.  With Trump's well documented track record of being dishonest, it seems fair to take anything he (or his administration) says with a grain of salt.

What is also well documented is that the LGBTQ+ community is at high risk for suicide.  The suicide hotline is a strong support for people struggling with suicidal ideations and to take away that support is cruel, at best. 

The Trump administration would say the cut is to save “taxpayers money”.  However, Trump and his followers have not been shy about their issues with the LGBTQ+ community, so for me, this feels like a direct and deliberate move to cause further harm and has little to do with saving money.  

As of this writing, congress has approved the budget and it is headed to the senate.  The administration has therefore this action is only a part of the suggested national budget.  If you feel this is a dangerous and harmful idea, I would ask that you call your representatives to ask them not to support this action.

------------------------

INCEPTION:

“Riding Shotgun without a Driver” is about one of my oldest friends, Ashley, and his completion of suicide.  Aside from catharsis of self-expression, writing the song was a practice in figuring out who I was writing ABOUT, and who I was writing FOR.  This song is ABOUT Ashley.  This song is FOR those of us he left behind.  

I tried to make this as honest a song as I could.  It’s incredibly personal to me, and I’m aware that lyrically, it may not make sense to everyone.  The best way I can describe where it came from is to tell you about the events that led to it.  So, here we go…

The Event…

Ashley was one of my oldest friends.  I don’t recall a time when I didn’t know him.  As happens with long friendships, we went through periods of being very close and then periods of rare and inconsistent contact, and then back again.  

At the time of his passing, I had not spoken to Ashley in over a year (aside from a stray text here and there).  I had been working in mental health for over 10 years.  I had experienced losing clients to suicide, and I had experienced losing acquaintances to suicide.  However, I had not experienced losing someone so closely tethered to my life in that way.  

The day Ashley completed suicide is a vivid memory for me in some ways, and in other ways, it’s a dark, gray blur.  I was working full-time at Mobile Crisis, and going to grad-school for a Master’s degree in Social Work.  My job was answering calls from people experiencing suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, or experiencing a mental health crisis that made them a danger to themselves or the community.  I worked the overnight shift, which meant that I slept during the day and got up as most people were starting to settle in for the night.  One of the 1st things I learned about working the night shift was that you had to turn off your phone to sleep uninterrupted during the day.

That evening, my alarm went off and I turned my phone on to find a number of missed calls.  I remember a few calls from my sister, and several from multiple other people.  My immediate thoughts were…”that can’t be good”, and “something has happened to my dad”.  I called my sister 1st, and she told me that Ashley had completed suicide.  I remember my reaction, and frankly, I critique it to this day.  My response to my sister was “Holy shit” and I remember it came out in an almost mocking tone…I still don’t understand that.  I only know that we (as people) have “ideas” of how we will respond to certain things, and then when the moment comes, we do something drastically different.  Oh, how unaware we all are. 

I was able to make a few calls to old friends that I wanted to be sure knew what happened. I spoke to a couple, but I do not remember the conversations very well.

I went to work that night.  Yes, you read that correctly…I found out someone I had known all my life completed suicide hours earlier, and then I went to my job working on a suicide prevention team.  I remember having moments that I thought it might be wise to call out of work, but then I would realize that I would be sitting up all night while Liz slept and that just seemed too lonely.  

I know I took calls through the night, I don’t remember any content from them.  At some point in the middle of the night a coworker looked at me and asked if I was alright.  I told them what happened, and they were so caring and gracious and empathetic.  My whole team worked extra through the night to keep me from having to handle as many calls.  I do not remember driving back home.

The funeral was set a few days later, and Liz and I drove to Alabama.  I had many emotions throughout the funeral.  Some obvious, and some not.  I felt sadness, rage, nostalgia, disgust, pity, and a good handful of others.  A focal point for me during the funeral was the way Ashley’s suicide was talked about…in short, it wasn’t.  His death was called “an accident”, and that’s as close as I recall anything coming to addressing it.  I suppose we can call it an accident, but to me, that was like saying his life was a big accident, and his suicide was the closing of said accident.  

I left the funeral angry and unsettled.  I can appreciate not going into the details of what happened during the funeral, but a lot of my frustration was that the funeral was just an extension of how the community I was raised in treated people.

The Aftermath

As we do these days…I posted about it on social media after the funeral, and was asked to take it down a few different times.  I refused out of spite, spite for not being allowed to have my thoughts/feelings and to express them; out of anger towards the community that did not want to acknowledge what Ashley had done; and out of respect for Ashley and the pain he was in.  I can understand why people feel it may be disrespectful of Ashley to talk about his suicide, and why it might be taken as “justifying” his actions.  That is the way the system worked and operated, so it’s understandable that people would follow what they “know”.  However, by not acknowledging his actions, I believe we are not acknowledging the pain he experienced through his life.  We are not acknowledging the strength it took to carry on through the years.  We can acknowledge these things, and still hold him accountable for the pain he caused.  We are capable of holding contradictory things.

It took me a good number of months to wrap my head around all the different feelings I had.  I had some people tell me I “shouldn’t” be angry, and that I “should” feel this way or that.  This was a major spark for writing the song.  My hope was to illustrate the complex emotions I was feeling in a way that was not trying to justify them, but rather show them in an honest light. 

The Processing

Looking back on it all, one of the things that I struggled with most was feeling so many different emotions, followed by contradictory emotional reactions to them.  For instance, there were times that I would feel relieved.  Relieved that my friend wasn’t in pain anymore, but that would make me feel guilt and shame.  I would feel anger towards Ashley, and that would lead to deep sadness and empathy that my friend was in so much pain, and that would lead to shame that I was not there to help him.  

I suppose I have to admit I still have a bit of anger around all of this.  Anger with Ashley and what he did…Anger towards his life and the things that happened to him that led to such an end…Anger with myself for not staying connected and not knowing my friend was hurting so much…Anger with religion and culture for weaponizing shame and fear, instead of cultivating empathy and acceptance.

For the 1st year or so after Ashley’s death, I had dreams of him multiple times a week.  To this day, I still have frequent dreams with Ashley in them.  They are always pleasant and they always feel old to me.  Often, I am not lucid enough to realize that Ashley is gone, but every now and again, I do.  I’ll say to him that he is gone and this is not real, and then the dream evaporates.  The sadness that comes after is the acceptance that this is the closest I’ll get to my old friend until my time comes to give up the ghost.  

I’ve spent most of my professional career in the mental health field (or a “mental health adjacent” field), and I am still constantly learning and re-learning how little we know about ourselves and about the people around us.

My hope is that others who have lost people to suicide will connect with the song and this writing.  With that in mind, a fear I had in writing this song was that it might cause shame for someone struggling with suicidal thoughts.  That is something that I still fear greatly, and it’s the last thing I would want to come out of my work.  So, if you are reading this and having (or have had thoughts of harming yourself), please know that I do not write all of this to cause more pain or guilt.  I only mean to help and to share my feelings.  

This was my experience, and it was hard, and it is hard.  It is not meant to invalidate what anyone else is dealing with or has experienced.

MUSIC:

The music for this song was one of the 1st pieces of music I ever wrote on a ukulele.  It was simple, and I knew I liked it, but for a long time, I could never put melody and words to it.  Something just told me to commit it to memory, and wait for the inspiration to come.

When the lyrical premise came to me and I started putting together the message, this piece of music quickly became my focus.  The message and emotion of the lyrics was so complex that I wanted the music to feel organic and easy to listen to.  With the music being simple, I also wanted it to be dynamic.  I wanted it to have soft and intimate moments, and then have energy and movement to go with the changing emotional dynamics.  

I thank my producer, Corey Horn, for playing bass and cajon on the recording to give it the movement and energy it needed.

Lyrics

Hey you, I remember laughing,

Too long ago, but I won’t forget,

Counting my scars, testing my mettle,

Anger takes control…

Driving faster…

Pain comes, and it can linger,

Time stops, and the feeling doesn’t fade,

A thousand years of strain lean on a finger,

Shame takes control…

Driving Faster…

Hey you, what made you go and do that?

You knew there’d be no turning back,

You walked away from consequences,

And we watched you take control…

Your Driving Faster…And we’ll hold on.

INFLUENCES

 Pearl Jam (band)

Johnny Cash (artist)

The Flaming Lips (artist)

Arcade Fire (artist)

The Headlights (band)

Radiohead (band)

PLAYLIST

This playlist is a bit unique compared to others I've put together.  Instead of only being songs that inspired my writing of this one, I made this playlist with songs that remind me of my friend.  

It’s worth pointing out that Ashley and I often had dramatically different music tastes.  Many of my fond memories of Ashley include riding around and listening to music.  He had a few songs that were “non-negotiable listening” when driving around. Most of them I liked just fine, but there’s one song…one song that I despise, to this day.  It’s also a song that brings about a flood of nostalgic memories of Ashley, memories that make me smile and therefore, I can’t claim to “hate” the song.  The song in question???  “The Weight” by The Band.

Here is the link to the Spotify playlist again.  I hope you enjoy it and I hope that this is helpful.  

Spotify Playlist for "Riding Shotgun without a Driver"